SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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