dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
