do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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