Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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