dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
