you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
