I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
