clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
