She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
