So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I looked at my own cervix.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
