I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
