CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
