Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
