I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Randomize
