was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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