I am spending my child support on dildos
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
