I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Pants are for mortals
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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