I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
