Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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