I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
