That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
