I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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