this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize