I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
