Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
