My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
