The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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