In the future we'll all be gay
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
