Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
