I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
