Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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