I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
