I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize