i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
