We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
The power of my boobs compel you
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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