I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
