After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
