the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Randomize
