He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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