I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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