from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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