listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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