take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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