Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I think I just shit out all my problems.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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