I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
