someone threw a dead crab at me
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Randomize
