Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
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