My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I wish there were birth control emojis
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
