My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
