WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
