The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
