omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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