Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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