what day is it and did you see me today?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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