This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Do you have feelings for this penis?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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