I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
