Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
