I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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