Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
