i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Randomize