when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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