I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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