I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
