I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize